How was I to know on that fateful day over a year ago when I first cracked open Jorgenson's book on The Salmon Fly, etc., etc. that I would be where I find myself today, a quivering was of sobbing flesh wondering where I am going to come up with enough money to buy "...just a few more feathers of (you name it) that I can't dress another fly without!" (I already have 150 of the same feathers neatly tucked away in my custom-made fly tying bench made specifically for - you guessed it - Salmon Flies!)

Yeah, well, it's easy for you to say "This, too, shall pass." As you're sitting there with the very feathers that I have been begging you to sell me for going on to twenty-four hours, or so. "But if I sold some to you", you counter, "then where would I get more to replace those precious creations plucked from our beaked and winged pals?" (Where you got them in the first place, you @#$&*.)

Ah, well, such are what great Odysseys are made of. It soon became apparent that there are a few rules in the pursuit of this passion (hobby, obsession, interest or whatever) that I became aware of in my meanderings through the wonderful world of Salmonflyland. To wit:

1. Be resourceful - that is spend 7 out of 8 hours at the office making long-distance phone calls to England, Scotland, Argentina, Lower Slobbovia and, oh-yes, the local fly shop inquiring as to "Where I might find a few feathers of the now extinct Pied-Bald Red Breasted Cow Creeper?", instead of being productive and helping your boss make oodles of money of which you will never get a cent of.

2. Take lessons for someone who knows what they're doing and have already spent twenty-five years learning from every book in existence, from 1654 to 1990 (after all, why should I spend all that time poring over ancient tomes, when all I want to do is become the greatest Salmon Fly dresser that ever hit the local conclave. In the shortest time possible. After having tied my first two Salmon patterns, which I know are the greatest contribution to the art that anyone has ever laid eye upon).

3. Never, I mean NEVER, put a single $400.00 feather on a "machine made" hook. Especially any made by that certain company in Britain, whose name I shall not divulge. (Now I know that the wonderful people in England, who produce this very piece of iron, of which I speak, are ready to sue my face from here to kingdom come; if not to send the British armada to Kansas City, by way of the Missouri River, to haul me back to those great Isles. It's just that, well, the hooks don't quite have the right BEND - you know what I mean?)

4. Under no circumstance should you ever ask a fellow Salmon Fly tier to sell you some of their feathers, under pain of slow torture. (i.e.: What??? It took me 43 years to ten of these feathers. AND YOU WANT ME TO SELL YOU EIGHT OF THEM???) Oh well, back to the drawing board.

Anyway, I've learned a few things about this wonderful interest that has slowly, but surely, sucked me ever farther into the black hole of obsessive/compulsive Salmon Fly dressing. I want to share a few of those thoughts with you (although everyone of you will say to yourself "Oh, hell, I knew how to do that 67 years ago!). Well, I didn't know it!

Restoring golden Pheasant Tails - Yes, you've been there; trying to marry those blasted G.P. tail strips. This can be an exercise in "Why am I putting myself through this pain?" I learned this tip from a shop owner out East. Mix up a strong batch of WOOLITE solution - 2 or 3 capfuls of WOOLITE to a large pan of water. Place your tail - ahem, that is to say your Golden Pheasant tail into the solution and swish it around a bit. Let the feather soak for a minimum (not to be confused with a small English mother) or 24 hours; 48 hours would probably be better. During this whole process DO NOT TOUCH any of the barbs, so as not to crush or damage the barbules, that hold the barbs together, when "married". After this soaking period, rinse the feather carefully under cold water, again not touching the barbs. Air dry the feather, do not blot the excess water from the fibers; let it dry of its own. Once dry, steam the feather back to it's original shape. You should find that the fibers will now marry better to other feathers. If it doesn't, don't come crying to me.

PSST! Wanna know the way to tie the most perfect ostrich herl butt this side of the River Tweed? I learned this trick from the fine Massachusetts dresser Ron Alcott, who in turn learned it from the great Scottish salmon fly dresser Megan Boyd:

Strip off the little barbules from about 3/8" of the end of the herl strip (drawing #1 ). Note that the barbules slant a from the stripped end. Then (drawing #2) bend the shaft with your tweezers at right angles, leaving an empty space equal to the circumference of the hook between the bend and the barbules (yeah, I know what you're thinking, "Now, how the heck am I supposed to know what the circumference of a salmon hook is?" Well, do what I do - Guess!) Anyway, make sure that when you make your crimp, the shaft of the herl should be above and the barbules falling below with the bend made a from you (Dig? drawing #2a). Now, tie in the herl on the far side of the hook (drawing #3 - looking down on top of the hook shank) with enough turns of thread (tight and together) to the right, to define the actual width of the butt. When you begin wrapping the butt, the barbules must point to the rear of the hook, or it won't work. Wrap the herl four or five turns and tie off. Viola! A perfect herl butt.

Tip #3 - Ever notice that when you tie in a pair of tippet feathers for a whole-feather wing the top edges tend to flare away from each other? Well, I personally would rather have the edge meet. So, what I do is first mash the shaft of each feather at the tie-in point with my pliers. Then, while the shaft is still in the jaws of my pliers I take the feather in my other hand and twist it towards the inside a bit (see drawing below).

You'll have to twist a couple of times to get the feather to stay twisted. Do the same with the other feather, only twist it the opposite sway (as you might expect). Thus, when the feathers are tied in together and inward-tilting top edges will force each other upright and you end up with a nice, vertical pair of wings with the edges together. By the way, I find it much easier to tie down the paired wings with a "soft-loop". I hold the feather pair on top of the hook in position with my left hand. Then with the bobbin I bring a loose loop of thread around the hook and let this loop gently fall on top of the tie-in point of the feather shafts and carefully tighten it down. This keeps the feathers from moving all over the place when tying-in.

Well, I think I've over stayed my welcome, so I'm outta here! Oh, by the way, you know those 10 Golden-eyed Flaming Fuzz-winged Eagle feathers you bought the other day at considerable expense and 12 years of searching for? Well, I've got some money in my pocket, here, and if you could just sell me eight of them...